Everything you need to know about mediation in divorce.

What is divorce mediation?

Divorce is a stressful and traumatic time for everyone involved and mediation can genuinely make a huge difference to the process and help you avoid the time, costs and stress of court proceedings. It allows you to agree how your divorce is going to work with your ex.

A mediator is a neutral third party who works with you both through the process to find mutually beneficial solutions to your issues so that you can move on with your lives. The aim is to make your divorce as amicable and cost-effective as possible, but it is worth saying that you do not need to be amicable with your ex for mediation to be successful. Mediators are highly skilled and trained individuals and are used to working with separating couples.

It can be adapted to your circumstances with you both in different rooms if you would struggle to sit in the same room as your ex (either in person or online). The mediator will then facilitate discussion between you whilst you remain separate. You can also have additional support in the room from your lawyer, a divorce coach or agreed friends or family members.

Mediation is a more collaborative and less adversarial way of divorcing. It allows you both to have more control over the outcome of your divorce, as you’re directly involved in the decision-making process, rather than leaving the decisions to a judge.

What is a mediator?

Family mediators are all experts in separation and provide lots of information about processes and things to think about for couples who are separating. They can also suggest things you may not have thought about. It is important to ensure your mediator has done sufficient training and has the necessary skills and you can do this by checking they are registered with the Family Mediation Council. 

Family mediation enables you to get much needed guidance on what needs to be done, and when, as it can all seem a little overwhelming when you feel there are many decisions to be made. You may not feel emotionally equipped for decision making, or even processing information, in the early (or ever later!) stages of grief so it helps to think about whether you are ready to do that yet. You should not feel pressured into making big decisions. Sometimes short-term decisions about financial issues might need to be made to give you some breathing space, but these should not be decisions that have significant long-term consequences.

Family mediators are empathetic, professional and very knowledgeable about communication. So, if you find discussions between you can reach a stalemate, or end in arguments, then it’s a useful place to talk about what happens next.

When an agreement is hard to reach, mediators will step in to help you brainstorm, communicate clearly, make reality checks, focus on empathy and assist your decision-making process in general. They can help you come up with options for consideration and give ideas of what has worked for other couples. They can also share legal knowledge and let you know what the courts will and will not take into consideration. Because mediators are impartial, they are unable to give advice during the process.

The mediation process is flexible so the mediator can help you if you want to talk about everything you need to resolve, or if you would rather manage much of it yourselves and just come back to mediation meetings when needed.

What issues does mediation cover?

Mediation can cover financial issues such as the distribution of your assets and liabilities, as well as child support and spousal maintenance. There needs to be full financial disclosure from both parties.

It also covers issues with children such as child arrangements and the agreement of a parenting plan. It will cover where the children are going to stay and when; what will happen in school holidays; Christmas and other important days of the year. The plan can also cover schooling arrangements, changes of surname, grandparent access, discipline, introduction to new partner and anything else you both feel needs to be in the plan.

What’s the process?

Before bringing you together in the joint meetings, a mediator first meets with you individually to find out more about your situation and to check that mediation is suitable. Mediation is not suitable if it would compromise your physical safety, or mental health, or if any pattern of abuse were to be likely to continue through the mediation process. An initial meeting with a mediator can also help to understand all the options open to you (not just mediation) and to flag support that might be useful for you.

MIAMS

The initial meetings that each party has with a mediator on their own at the outset are called MIAMS (Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings)

If you have any concerns about being in the mediation process with your ex, then this is the time to explain those concerns to the mediator. They will want to know about any behaviour that you have found uncomfortable and especially things like abuse and control. If you have questions about mediation, then bring those too.

The mediator will explain more about mediation to you and ask you questions about your relationship and the breakdown, as well as about what issues you want to resolve through mediation.

Joint meetings

If you want to talk about financial issues in mediation, then the mediator might ask each of you to collate your financial information ahead of the first meeting. This enables you to work with exact figures, rather than just estimates which speeds up the process and ultimately saves costs. If you’re asked to do this, then make sure you’re clear on the timeframe for providing the information, the format, and exactly what is needed. If you have any questions or you’re unclear, then ask the mediator.

If you share your financial information with each other before a joint meeting, then bring any questions you have about your ex’s financial information to the meeting – including anything that you don’t understand. This applies to other issues to, if you have questions then bring them to the joint meetings so you can talk about them in mediation as this is often a safe space.

How to get the best results from mediation.

1. Listen to understand what your ex is saying in mediation. Often, we have preconceived ideas of what they might think or want, but listen to ensure you’re clear on their needs, priorities and concerns. Ask questions if you’re not sure.

2. Having an idea of potential solutions is also helpful. You might not have this at the outset in mediation because you might need information to help you work out what those options are. You will never have to say yes to something and sign on the dotted line in mediation – it is a forum for discussion – but it does help if you can give feedback on potential solutions that each other suggest.

3. Be open to doing things differently to how you envisaged. This doesn’t mean giving in on everything but the more open you are to potential solutions the more likely you are to find a compromise.

This guest blog was written by Louisa Whitney of LKW Family Mediation. She is an accredited family mediator, a PPC (Professional Practising Consultant which means she supervises and mentors other mediators) and a Child Inclusive Mediator (meaning she is qualified, insured and DBS checked and can talk to children as part of the mediation process).  She is also a non-practising solicitor.  She has run LKW Family Mediation since 2013.

For more information call 01306 320520 or email [email protected]. They see clients online via zoom and in person at their offices in Dorking and Farnham in Surrey.