Do you know your core values?
Oct 19, 2020
Have you ever felt uncomfortable in a situation or felt some internal conflict? Most of us have at some point in our lives. If so, it’s likely that you were out of alignment with your values.
To be able to have a happy and fulfilled relationship we need to know what our values are and to be able to keep boundaries in place to stop those values being compromised.
What are values?
Our values are the things that are important to us in our life. They are deeply held beliefs that are formed during our childhood or we decide on as we grow older.
They are specific to each of us. They can change over time but, our core values tend to stay the same.
They form the basis of what we do. They give us meaning, direction and fulfilment and help to determine our priorities.
When the things you’re doing, and how you’re behaving, are aligned with your values – then life will generally feel good and you’re fulfilled. However, if things aren’t aligned, then things feel ‘wrong’ and you’re unhappy even if you can’t quite pinpoint why.
So why are values important?
- They help you to be clear about what you want – By knowing what’s important in your life, it can help you get clarity on what you want. If you know your values, you’ll know what will make you happy in your personal life, career and in your relationships.
- They help you make decisions – Emotions can easily get in the way of making decisions. But if you stop to think about your values when making a decision - ensuring you’re keeping in alignment with them – then this will help you make the right choice. You can use them as a guide to make the best choice in any situation.
- They help to increase your confidence and self-esteem - If you’re clear on your values they can bring a sense of clarity and stability to your life. If you know what you want, and what matters to you, then it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Communicating your values tells people what’s important to you and how you want to be treated. It helps to improve your relationships and happiness levels.
- They can help with motivation – They can help you persist at difficult tasks and to work harder and give more energy to a task when you know ‘why’ you’re doing something. If you understand why you’re doing something it immediately gives you access to willpower.
- They improve your relationships – Having shared values in a relationship means you share fundamental ideas about life and relationships – so your relationship is more likely to last. It could mean that you both value the same things such as trust, communication, respect or intimacy.
Shared values keep you together during the difficult times and bring you joy in the happier times. If you don’t share your core values with your partner then you can feel resentment, disappointment, and unfulfilled in the relationship.
What shared values are important in relationships?
- Trust - The couples who are the happiest and most fulfilled trust each other completely. They are able to do things independently and feel safe and secure not being part of their partner’s activity. It’s fundamental to the success of a relationship.
- Lifestyle choices - When your lifestyle aligns with your partner’s, it makes it easier and so much more fun. For example, if you both enjoy adventurous holidays rather than lying on a beach, you’ll be able to enjoy your holidays together. Other issues such as preferring to live in the country or city and whether you’re a party animal or not can be fundamental to the success of the relationship.
- Commitment - This one really is fundamental as if one partner values monogamy, whilst the other doesn’t, then it’s never going to work. Are you both in it for the long term and fully committed to each other? Are you prepared to put the effort in to make it work?
- Open communication - Different communication styles and values around this can cause a great deal of conflict. If one partner wants to have open discussions and the other is not used to this, then issues can arise. However, as long as both partners are willing to work through this and find a happy compromise then there’s no reason why they can’t have a fulfilling relationship.
- Money - money is one of the biggest causes of stress and arguments in a relationship. It’s important to know how you both view money and the value you place on it. For example, is one of you a saver and the other a spender? Does one of you like to spend money on material things whereas the other prefers to spend it on experiences?
- Future Plans - do you both have the same aspirations and plans for the future? For example, do you both want a family? Does one of you want to live abroad whilst the other doesn’t? It’s also really helpful to have the same values around family so this doesn’t become an issue and cause conflict.
- Dealing with conflict - Arguments in a relationship are inevitable but how they’re resolved is crucial to the success of a relationship. If you express anger in different ways, or one of you wants to talk about the argument whilst the other partner wants to sulk, then this can cause issues, resentment and unhappiness.
How do you know what your core values are?
You may already have an idea of what your core values are. But If you want to spend some time reflecting on your values, then ask yourself the following questions:
- What in life makes you feel the most fulfilled?
- What moments have made you the happiest and what were you doing, thinking and feeling?
- What moments in your life have been the most meaningful? What made it so meaningful?
- What moments have made you unhappy and what were you doing, thinking and feeling?
- When do you feel most like yourself?
Answering these questions will help you to get clarity on what’s important to you in your life. You can use that to then think about what your ideal partner would be like.
Ideally, you’ll share some core values with your partner - but if you don’t - being willing to discuss and respect your partner’s values will help to build a strong relationship.
As long as you feel able to be your true self around your partner - without compromising on any of your core values - then there’s no reason why you can’t have a happy and fulfilled relationship.
If you’d like to book a session around discovering your core values and what that means for finding your ideal partner, then drop me an email at [email protected]
If you’re struggling to get over a breakup then download my free guide: 10 Things you can do to start getting over your breakup here: