Can you forgive and forget?

Can you forgive and forget

Forgiveness means different things to different people. But generally, it involves a conscious decision to let go of any resentment and thoughts of revenge.

It doesn’t mean forgetting the hurt or harm done to you by another person – possibly your ex - or reconciling with them.

It doesn’t mean that you’re letting them get away with something or glossing over it.

Forgiveness is for you – not the other person. It can bring peace of mind and freedom from anger and other negative emotions. If you hold on to it, you’re punishing yourself as well as the other person.

It enables you to take back your power and recognise the pain you suffered - without letting it define you. It allows you to heal and move on with your life.

It can be especially hard to forgive someone you love and trust who’s hurt you - but I think it’s essential to be able to get closure and move forward.

 4 reasons to forgive and move on:

1. It improves your mental health - Without forgiveness you can stay stuck in the past, reliving the situation over and over again. Your brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s being remembered from the past and what’s happening now - so it reconnects with all those negative emotions again. Not only that – it then automatically looks out for more negative experiences to reinforce that. Before you know it, your mood can spiral downwards leading to depression, stress and anxiety.

2. It improves your physical health - when you think of the person that’s hurt you - notice where you feel it in your body. You can literally feel it physically. It might be in your chest, your stomach, your throat or somewhere else in the body. When you’re angry it triggers the release of cortisol – the stress hormone - into your body. Over time this increases your risk of heart attacks and strokes and weakens your immune system.

3. It helps you to take your power back - Holding on to resentment, anger and bitterness doesn’t serve you. It just keeps you stuck in the past and in a victim mentality. By holding onto those feelings you’re not just punishing your ex, but also yourself. It’s possible that your ex isn’t even aware that you have all these negative emotions - so what’s the point harbouring all these feelings. Surely, it’s better just to get on with your life and show them what an amazing life you’re having?

4. It improves your relationships – if you’re holding on to a lot of anger and resentment it can easily take over your life and become all consuming. You can end up taking it out on other people just because they’re the closest to you – not because they deserve it. It also means you’re less trusting of other people which can have a detrimental effect on your relationships. It ends up affecting your judgement of everything and you view the world through a negative lens.

If you’re struggling to forgive someone try doing some journaling. It can be really therapeutic to get everything down on paper and out of your head. Write freely without thinking about it.

Try writing a letter to the person telling them everything you forgive them for. You don’t have to send it to them. You could even burn it to represent the ‘letting go’ of all the anger and resentment.

Instead of dwelling on the past, focus your time on creating an amazing future for yourself. Start a bucket list of everything you've always wanted to do but haven't got round to and start ticking items off that list.

Forgiveness is a process and may take some time, but in doing so, you’ll be taking back your power and control from the other person. You have to make the decision to forgive. Holding onto all those negative emotions doesn’t serve you at all. Instead you’ll be making the choice to move on with your life.

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