9 Tips to help you increase your confidence after your breakup
Nov 24, 2020
Has your confidence suffered as a result of your breakup?
If so, you’re not alone - it’s really common. I know mine was at rock bottom after my divorce – I had no self-belief and didn’t trust my judgements at all as I felt I'd got it so wrong with my husband.
I spoke to a client last week who was full of self-doubt and didn’t have any confidence in the decisions she was making or the actions she was taking.
It’s an awful place to be, but the good news is that there are things you can do to develop your confidence. It can be learned and developed.
So, before we look at how you can do that, it’s useful to think about what confidence actually is.
The Psychology Dictionary Online, defines confidence as “an individual’s trust in his or her own abilities, capacities, and judgments, or belief that he or she can successfully face day to day challenges and demands.
You feel happier when you’re more confident. When you feel better about your capabilities, you’re more energised and motivated to take action and achieve your goals - which is really helpful when trying to move on after your breakup
Confidence is also a feeling and it can really drag us down when we’re not feeling it – like after a breakup. It’s a person’s ability to believe in themselves and their strength to succeed. Think about how you’ll feel when you are confident.
You don’t have to be an expert in something to feel confident. Many people hold themselves back from doing something because they wait until they think they'll be confident – but that never happens. True confidence only comes from being brave and taking the action, and by repeatedly doing that you gain confidence
So here are some tips to start developing your confidence after your breakup:
- Make a list of all your achievements to date – List down everything you’re proud of that you’ve achieved since you were a kid. It doesn’t matter how small they might seem - like learning to ride a bike or passing an exam. Keep adding to the list over time and review it regularly. It reminds you of what you’ve managed to achieve in the past so helps you to be more confident about your future.
- Break your goals down into smaller tasks – if you set a huge goal it will be completely overwhelming, you won’t know where to start, and it will cause you anxiety. Instead think of your goal as a ladder – with the ultimate goal right at the top and all the rungs below it, representing the smaller actions you need to take to achieve the goal.
- Daily affirmations – These can be really powerful and help you to retrain your thinking and speaking into more positive patterns, so you can get more of what you do want and less of what you don’t. Find the phrases that feel right for you, but a couple of examples could be ‘I’m worthy of having what I want’ or ‘I’m becoming a better version of myself every day. It’s actually been shown that writing down your affirmations can be more powerful than saying them, as there’s more of a connection between the hand movement and the brain.
- Challenge your critical self-talk – We all do this, but you need to start becoming aware of it so that you can challenge your negative thinking and replace it with something more positive. Awareness is the key to making any changes in your life. If you find you’re criticising yourself or saying something negative – ask yourself if it’s really true, and what evidence there is for it. It’s likely that there isn’t any evidence, it’s just something you’re telling yourself. Reframe the statement and change it to something more positive.
- Surround yourself with people who lift you up – you want to be spending time with people who make you feel good about yourself and cheer you on, rather than mood hoovers who bring you down and suck the energy out of you.
- Act as if – If you start acting as if you’re confident, for example in your posture – make yourself bigger rather than smaller, with your voice - speaking slightly louder and making eye contact, then eventually you will start to feel it. Think about what qualities you would have if you were confident and take those on now.
- Use visualisation – Top athletes use this all the time to visualise themselves winning their race or event. The brain doesn’t know the difference between what’s real and what’s imagined. When you visualise something repeatedly you create new neural pathways in the brain, and it makes it happen. Imagine yourself on a giant movie screen doing, being or having, whatever it is you want and keep replaying that movie.
- Dress well – How we dress can have a massive impact on how we feel. If you feel that you look good, this can really impact your mood, confidence and self-esteem. So, get out of those tracksuit bottoms and wear something that reflects how you want to be.
- Social Media detox – With constant access to social media today it’s too easy to look at someone’s feed and feel like they’re living the perfect life compared to yours. Unfollow or unblock anyone who doesn’t make you feel good and follow accounts that inspire and uplift you instead.
When you’re going through a breakup, even the smallest things can feel like too much effort. Don’t try and do these all at once – just pick one small thing that feels achievable for you, and start with that.
Make sure you celebrate your wins along the way and recognise your achievements – no matter how small. If you have something particularly difficult to face, then plan a reward for yourself for when you’ve achieved it.
If you feel like you could benefit from some support to improve your confidence after your breakup then drop me a message at [email protected] and we can book in a free 20-minute discovery call.
Other blogs that may be helpful for you to read:
7 Tips to help you increase your self-esteem after a breakup - https://www.sarah-woodward.com/blog/7-tips-to-help-you-increase-your-self-esteem-after-a-breakup
9 Tips to beat the overwhelm - https://www.sarah-woodward.com/blog/9-tips-to-beat-the-overwhelm
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