7 Tips to increase your self-esteem after your divorce.

Breakups are often associated with feelings of failure, shame, guilt and rejection. Of being unlovable and not good enough. Your self -esteem can really take a real battering.

I know I thought that everyone must be wondering what was ’wrong with me’ to cause my marriage to fail. My self-esteem hit rock bottom. I’d failed at the one thing that mattered most to me in my life.

When you’re suffering from low self-esteem you have feelings of not being worthy or deserving. You’re very critical and negative towards yourself and you don’t love yourself.

After my divorce I really questioned everything. I completely lost faith in my judgement of people because I’d got it so wrong with my marriage.

I’d been with my husband for 16 years – since I was 19. I’d spent my whole adult life with him and then that was all taken away from me. Part of my identity had been wound up with him as his partner. I had to rediscover myself again as an independent person and work out what that actually meant.

Rebuilding your self-esteem is essential to being able to move on and live a happy life after your breakup.

Here are some suggestions to for you to work on your self-esteem:

1. Reframe what your breakup means to you - It took me a long time to realise this BUT - What happens to you in life does not define you. Just because your relationship failed, does not mean that you’re a failure. Stop dwelling on the past and focus on getting excited about your future instead.

Look at your breakup as a chapter in your life that’s ended. it’s time to start a new chapter and you have total control on how that chapter plays out.

It’s your opportunity to really stop and think about what you want from life. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in everyday life that we don’t take the time to stop and think about what we actually want.

Take some time to think about what your dreams and aspirations are. What can you do now that you couldn’t whilst you were in your relationship? What have you always wanted to do?

Start a Breakup Bucket List or use some old magazines to do a vision board. Now’s your chance to set yourself some goas and start taking small steps towards them.

2. Meet new people – This is a great way to improve your self-esteem. Make new friends who know you as a single person. This was a major turning point for me. I went on a photographic safari where I met some amazing new friends, most of who were single. Not only did we have lots in common with the wildlife and photography, but it also opened up my social network of friends. It meant that I wasn’t reminded of my ex every time I met up with these new friends as they’d never known me as part of a couple.

3. Talk to yourself as you would your best friend – If we spoke to our best friend the way we do to ourselves, they’d be horrified and not likely to be our best friend for much longer. So, if we wouldn’t talk to our best friend like that, what makes it ok to talk to ourselves that way?

Start talking to yourself with care, love and respect. Firstly, become aware of your negative self-talk as it happens and then reframe it into positive statements instead. It takes practice but it really does work. I’m much better now at stopping my negative self- talk.

Positive affirmations that you say to yourself every day can also be really helpful. Pin some up around the house so that you see them regularly.

4. Let the perfectionism go – This is one I’m still working on! When we set ourselves impossibly high standards and expectations, we’re bound to fall short – that’s life. What even is perfect? There’s no such thing! So, start accepting that good is good enough and take some of the pressure off yourself. Instead of setting yourself impossible standards, set ones that you know you can achieve – you’ll feel so much better about yourself.

5. Make a list of what you love about yourself and what you’re good at – I was asked to do this once and to say I struggled would be an understatement! Even if it’s just a few things to start with, put them on the list and gradually start adding to them. If you’re really struggling, try asking some trusted friends what they love about you. Send them an email if you don’t feel able to ask them in person. Refer back to the list whenever you need a boost to your self-esteem.

6. Practice self-care – This can be really easy to overlook especially if you find yourself juggling work and being a single parent. But it’s so important. It doesn’t have to be anything major, or expensive, but try and carve out some time in the day for you – even if it’s only 10 minutes.

Make time to read a book or your favourite magazine, chat to a friend or go for that run. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep and eating healthily. You’ll feel so much better and start valuing yourself more by showing yourself you’re worth it.

7. Establish your boundaries –It’s important to have boundaries to protect yourself and stop allowing unacceptable behaviour. These can slip over time especially when we’re in a relationship, so review yours and make sure they’re strong enough.

If you’re used to saying ‘Yes’ when you really mean ‘No’ for fear of upsetting someone - try and start saying what you really mean. It will feel uncomfortable at first, but it will make you so much happier and really help to improve your self-esteem.

It’s also really important to have strong boundaries in place when you start thinking about dating again – so start practicing now.

Going through a breakup is a traumatic experience, but it can also be an opportunity to look at your life and transform it into a life you love. It’s a chance to rediscover yourself and think about what you really want for the next chapter of your life.

Remember – what other people think of you is none of your business! It’s what you think and feel about yourself that really matters.

If you’d like some support with your self-esteem that drop me an email to book a free discovery call to see how I can help you at [email protected]

If you’re struggling to get over your breakup you can download my free guide on 10 Simple Secrets to let go of heartbreak and move on with your life after divorce. www.sarah-woodward.com/10-Secrets