10 Tips to have a good divorce.

Divorce is the second most traumatic thing you can go through in your life, second only to the death of a loved one. It’s a stressful time and nobody comes out a winner. But it is possible to have a good divorce - if both parties are willing and there is no abuse involved. The introduction of No-fault divorce in England and Wales in April 2022 should also help increase the chances of having a good divorce.

Here are 10 tips to help increase the chance of having a good divorce:

1. Get your support team in place– Make it a priority to get your support team in place as soon as possible. It’s really important that you have someone to turn to when you’re feeling low or struggling – which will It’s essential that you surround yourself with trusted friends and family but not necessarily your nearest and dearest. Even though their heart will be in the right place, they’re sometimes too close to the situation to be able to give you the best advice. You need people that will listen to you without judgement and without telling you what you should do all the time. You should also think about getting the professionals in place to help you through this process such as a solicitor or mediator, financial adviser, and a divorce coach.

2. Put your children first at all times – The main concern for most parents is how the divorce will impact their children. Children are resilient and will take their lead from your own behaviour. You are their role model in all of this. Make sure you tell the children together and show a united front – don’t assign blame or give them the details they don’t need to know. Reassure them that it is not their fault and that you both still love them. Do not bad mouth your partner in front of them and don’t expect them to take sides.

3. Treat each other with respect and compassion – I know this is difficult at times but trying to adhere to this throughout the process will increase your chances of having a good divorce. Remember that no one really wins in divorce, so go into it with the expectation that you will both have to compromise. Pick your battles, be fair, and don’t lose sight of the bigger picture.

4. Focus on your future – instead of dwelling on the past and what’s happened. That just keeps you stuck. Don’t keep retelling your story to anyone who will listen as that just reconnects you with all the negative emotions. Instead focus on your future and what you want from your life. This is your opportunity to take stock and re-evaluate what you really want. Imagine yourself living your best possible life – what would that look like – get really specific. And once you’ve done that start taking small steps to achieve your vision.

5. Forgive yourself and your ex – In most cases both parties will be responsible for the breakdown of the relationship. Forgiveness is for you, rather than the other person. It can bring peace of mind and freedom from anger and other negative emotions which increases the chances of a good divorce. It enables you to take your power back and recognise the pain you’ve suffered – without letting it define you. It allows you to heal and move on with your life.

6. Make a list of everything that brings you joy – and try to plan those things into your diary regularly. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and make you feel good about yourself. Emotions are contagious so choose carefully who you spend your time with. Watch your favourite comedy that always makes you laugh out loud, have a playlist with empowering, uplifting music or take the opportunity to start a new hobby.

7. Exercise and move your body– this is so powerful for shifting all the negative emotions you may be experiencing. Exercise releases all the endorphins that make you feel good. Choose something you love doing as you’re more likely to stick to it and having an exercise buddy means you’re more likely to turn up for it. Just turning the radio on and dancing in the kitchen, doing 20 star jumps or going for a walk, in nature, can all shift your mood.

8. Take the time to heal – You’re going through a stressful and traumatic time, and you need to heal. Don’t ignore your feelings. Allow yourself to experience your emotions which is necessary as part of the healing process. Yes, it’s tough – but you need to go through this to be able to move on. Don’t try and avoid your emotions by working long hours and losing yourself in work, partying hard or turning to drink or drugs. They will just come back to bite you in future.

9. Be kind to yourself – and watch your inner critic. It’s only natural that we can be hard on ourselves after a breakup – especially if it wasn’t our decision. We can end up asking ourselves questions such as ‘what’s wrong with me?’ or ‘Why aren’t I good enough?’ Stop yourself asking negative questions like these, and instead ask yourself more empowering questions like what can I do right now to make myself feel better? Practicing self-care during this time is more important than ever – making sure you are getting quality sleep, eating nutritious food, moving your body, and giving yourself time in the day to rest and restore.

      10.Practice gratitude every day – Studies in Positive Psychology have shown that practicing gratitude        daily significantly improves our mental health. It might not feel like you have much to be grateful for, in          the midst of your grief, but there is always something, no matter how small. Really connect with why              you feel grateful as well as this makes it even more powerful. Start the day with 3 things you’re grateful          f or and notice how your mood improves. It’s impossible to feel negative when you’re practicing gratitude.

It is possible to have good divorce where you both emerge from the process with respect for each other and a relationship that will help you successfully co-parent your children. Keeping the points above in mind as you go through your divorce will increase your chances of achieving this.

If you've found this blog useful you can listen to this episode of The Good Divorce podcast where I discuss further with Kate Brown: 

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6Y76IeR2yXzKf7TA3zys99